i almost forgot about this place
when i started reading old emails i kept
looking at old things i wrote
made me really miss this place.
this place where i guess
i could, partially
pour my heart out.
i can't believe how fast the years have gone by
and so many things have happened
good ones and bad ones.
the good ones will be remembered
and the bad ones will remind me of what to keep guard of.
but i think its making me more and more guarded
the more things just don't go so smoothly
and perhaps it may not be a good thing
but definitely i found a way to move on.
there were things i wished they would move towards another direction
but the fact that they became to what they were today
is just another step for me in the process of growing up
and i believe they made me alot stronger.
seeing that i have almost 600 posts here in this blog
makes me really sad to say this
but i think i might have to abandon this blog
its so difficult to keep up with so many blogs, twitter and all
i think i might have to give up on this space.
i enjoy reading back on my older entries
laughing at what i once wrote
what i once thought.
and i will continue coming here once in a blue moon
to make sure that they don't delete my blog
so that many years down the road i still can access this page
and see what i have been through
and recall both the good and bad times.
its been 2 months now.
glad its all going well
and i can't wait to walk further with you.
i'm really someone who cannot cannot become a housewife
how the hell do you stay at home all day and not feel bored?
today is only day 2 of me staying at home
and i'm already like tossing and turning
and like scurring around being bored. ):
i'm really not the type to stay at home
although my cheeks are puffy and swollen
and i can barely eat or talk
i feel like going out!!
i'm not avoiding it this time right
i know the time will come
and i'm facing it this time
instead of always letting the issue go
and the problem will still remain there.
i'm all ready!
come at me!
today was a life-time experience for me
don't think i will ever forget the whole process
of going there with a heavy heart
then signing papers
hearing them tell you all the risks
which isn't very pleasant and gets you even more worried
then changed into this gown that makes you even colder
then they make you wait and wait
and finally when its your turn
its like the feeling of walking to your own death door
you walk into the operating theatre
lie on this metal looking bed
which made it seem like you were about to be cut up into many pieces
then they injected the needle into my vein
which was a mild pinch
but that's the the worst
they make you smell oxygen
WHICH I THOUGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET SMELLING
but it STINKKKSSSS!
and i was about to like choke and cough
then i concussed.
the next thing i knew i was outside the theatre already
and i was crying profusely.
either because it was traumatising or relieving
or there was this BIG pain on my upper left
i just couldn't stop crying for quite awhile.
i think i was just outside the theatre for 15 min or so
then they pushed me back to the first room i went to.
i stayed there with only curtains as separators
from this NOISY kid that keeps crying and crying
and shouts "i want to go home"
SO DO I LA. omg.
i looked around and found a clock
it says 10 plus blurryly without my specs
then i signaled the nurse to call my dad
then she was like, yes i will soon.
5 min later i heard her talking on the phone with my dad
saying that he can come at 1230
i have no idea why so late because my then i was so bloody awake!!
and they told me before the op
that i couldn't operate any machine these two days
meaning like... WASHING MACHINES.
i wasn't even dizzy at all
and when my dad came i was so awake already.
i wanted to get my butt off the bed and get going.
when my dad came like finally
after falling in and out of sleep for like 2 hours
the nurse was like asking me to wait for my dad to hold me so i could go toilet and stuff
i was so NOT dizzy and awake
that i just went ahead
got changed, went out to find my dad.
its been quite a journey in the first half of today
if anyone is now scared to do wisdom tooth op
because i believe these kind of things are for life
why not do it now when it heals faster yea?
everytime i thought i was so sick of the discipline
just so tired from all that it requires
and i thought my passion died
but everytime i step foot onto the stage
the fire sort of renews in my heart.
i love dancing.
will i continue dancing?
will i never stop?
i miss the ambitious part of me
kind of lost it along the way
i remembered how much i put my heart and soul into one goal
and when i could attain that goal
it was such a good feeling
that kind of feeling cannot be fully explained in words
its the kind where you feel so proud of yourself
and overjoyed and excited that it can make you just tear.
if i closed my eyes now i recall the scenes
at the competition arena on the finals
and on the stage after the concert
those two moments still seem so fresh.
its always those times
when i thought our goals will be so difficult to reach
and yet we did, that makes me so emotional.
its that passion and determination that i have lost over the years
i want to find it back.
its happening to my dance passion now
i start to dread the discipline it requires
but whenever i do dance and when there's an audience
my passion renews
but whether strong enough for me to take action in the future
is the question.
will i get to continue something i so love in the future
is dependent on this thing i call passion and how much it burns.
for all my dearest friends
who are feeling the blues these days
please hold on.
because i know how you feel
and i'm holding on.
don't everyone like surprises?
whether it really came as a surprise or not
in knowing that someone wanted to give you a surprise
it gives such a heartwarming feeling
it shows how much that someone
wants to make you happy
and that someone can find joy in yours.
i suddenly chance upon a video my project group made in jc
and it was quite funny and very memorable watching it.
then i started looking at old videos that i made
and it made me miss the old times in jc so much.
i remembered all that hard work
all those sweat and tears
its amazing how many things we can go through in our lives.
i missed the times we laughed at our own jokes
where we could just think of nothing else but gym
where our lives practically revolved around it
and yet we didn't get tired of it.
i missed the times when we had such a strong goal together
we knew what we were striving for
and we were working hard together towards that
and when we achieved it
it was so emotional
not in the bad sense, but it was such a fufilling experience
and to have such friends with me on this journey makes it even better.
not that the things i have now are not fulfilling
but those days really brought the best out of me
and even though its been 5 years now
it is still fresh in my mind like it was only yesterday.
there were things i have left behind
but this is one thing that i'll bring with me for the rest of my life
and i mean it.
however much i hate school
however much i hate readings
everytime i finish an assignment, no matter the scale
it feels so good
and there's just no other way to describe it.
though i hate school
i don't really want it to end either.
i'm just this fickle-minded creature who just wants to bump around
but i know its impossible
so get your butt off your comfort zone and get working michele!
there's so much on my mind
but no one to turn to
really no one.
i can't tell you
because i don't want to add anything more to your stress levels
i feel like i can't tell my friends
i just can't open my mouth to say it.
i feel like i'm stuck in this corner that no one knows i'm hiding in
because i duplicate one part of me
and put it in the world out there
that no one realises that a part of me is missing.
yesterday i was so damn frustrated with this project
i almost cried, almost.
its so frustrating because everytime i think of something
i imagine my tutor totally crashing my idea.
but of course that's not all lately.
there were good moments (:
just a few days ago
went to brussel sprouts.
mussel, crepe and fruit beers.
gifts, hugs and love.
it feels like its been so long
but when i think about it its only been a month!
the amazing qualities of time.
found chat logs between us yesterday
and it dates back to sept2006
can't believe i don't have a single memory of those conversations we had
but its nice to know now that we did (:
i'm wondering what you thought of me then
as what kind of relationship you thought was possible then
and that makes me think that maybe,
just maybe, everything was fated to be.
You think I'm pretty
Without any make-up on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the puch line wrong
I know you get me
So I'll let my walls come down, down
Before you met me
I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever
You make me
I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back.
its been so long since i've even read this blog
that i forgot that to update it i'm supposed to go blogger.com
and not blogspot.com!!
i'm considering abandoning this and moving to tumblr
since its the more popular choice these days.
but somehow this blog gives me so much memories.
its been 2006 since i posted things here
and to see how much i have grown since 2006
its not about reading the past and knowing the past
its about knowing what you thought about then, in the past.
sometimes childish, sometimes reflecting what i have now.
and they all make up what i am today.
my last post was on 14th may this year
though its been only 4 months ago
i feel like so many things have happened since then.
being the vacation period, i went to so many places
seen so many things, know so many new people
and know one new person that i'm never going to forget.
this person changed my perspectives
there was something i didn't believe in anymore
but he made me believe in it all over again.
for someone to change my determined perspectives
means breaking down the walls that i have built for years
and allowing both the wonderful and the hurt to come in
but i have realised that without letting the hurt to enter
i can never get out of the previous place i was stuck in.
and i'm glad i realised that now.
its been a long time since i ever posted anything here
i just feel that ts become abit childish and unnecessary to "report" my life over here.
it becomes a feeling that i'm always being checked
and not a space to feel relieved and to speak honestly.
i start to wonder what blogs are for in the end
i mean personal blogs that say daily happenings and not blogshops.
i guess its one way someone could find out what's happening to you
but if that someone was your friend it would be nicer if he/she could give you a call instead
or chat over msn
rather then find out and gossip about you at places where you can't hear.
i don't know.
i guess people change, mentalities along with it.
城市裡 小星星 稀疏的 亮晶晶
就像我 愛上你 隱沒在 燈海裡
雨天裡 小星星 孤單的 濕淋淋
就像我 總被你 遺忘在 晴空裡
i don't want to go unnoticed by you
i want to walk by you
and not behind you
only watching the shadows as you walk by.
i've been offended by you in many ways
and maybe you don't give a shit about this friendship
but i did and i thought that you did too
but maybe i was wrong
maybe tonight is a bad night
maybe tonight it was hot stuffy and sleepy
but still, i'm glad i got off
i'm glad i got off from your sincere complaints
i'm glad i got off from my burden that i have to be grateful to you.
i know what it feels like
especially when you personally is very tired and had a long day yourself
but then, if unwilling,
i'd rather you be like someone else and not offer in the first place
instead of complaining the moment we got on
and it gets worse and worse.
i'm sorry, but i couldn't take it tonight
whether tonight or in the future, you don't have to offer anymore.
i think that way, it will be better for you and for me.
you can fucking stop being so authoritative towards us as well
or else i can see this friendship dwindling after 4 years
and maybe you don't give a shit
and if you can't even bother to give a shit, why should i.
its been about a month since the year has started
only about 3 weeks since school has started and i feel the pressure already
concert is about 5 weeks away
and as every practice pass by i feel like there's no more space to breathe.
with all these filling my thoughts every single day
i count down to those holidays that seem so near yet so far.
with all the 21st birthdays recently
i'm starting to think of my own
which, luckily is still almost a year away.
i have some general ideas but still don't know whether to have a theme or not
after all the themed birthdays that everyone goes to in this year
maybe having a themeless birthday would be a better idea.
oh wells. i still have time.
we'll see (:
holidays is coming to an end
and as always
it feels like it went by in a few seconds just like that
not really excited about school this upcoming semester
and there's alot of things for me to finish up
things that i haven't even started on. ):
many things has happened in this holidays
camp, birthday, phuket, nye...
and as a new year wish...
i wish some things will continue as we grow
wish that people won't drift apart as we go onto different stages of life
because however annoying they are
i know (i hope) they are friends i can trust.
sometimes i feel like i have so many things to say
but no one to say to
no one appropriate to say to
sometimes i even think blogging is no longer a way out
people are missing, leaving, gone
who can i tell?
there's so many thoughts going through my head now at the same time
there's so many things i want to say
but don't know where to begin.
first, i'm so glad that camp is finally over
and that it was a success.
although there were hiccups here and there
i felt that it was deserving of a celebration
its really heartwarming
when you try to pass on a tradition in synergy that we all treasure together.
and most important, i had loads of fun and laughter
be it weivien's haha game, ethelyn recognisable-anywhere high pitch laughter or
jasmine's scrunched up nose laughter
i enjoyed it.
though its good that its over, i will also miss those times.
for the last 4 days i felt so out of this world
there was no sense of time or day
only with a sense of our muscles and aches
as we walked between the hall and the dance studios
rushing in the morning when breakfast arrived
rushing till late for whatever hits us the next day
its as if all we could and needed to think of was about the camp
as if the usual life was thrown out the window for 4 days
knowing that for the last 5 days
my life consisted of company every minute
it makes my current life,
being alone at home so dull and quiet.
and suddenly the life that i had for the last 20 years seem unusual.
thinking about the next 2 weeks
its pretty exciting and i can't wait to get started
after regaining my pace after a good sleep.
now my contact lens are dry
i'm sandy and dirty and oily
and both physically and mentally tired
i'll come back soon.
sorry i couldn't help it but post a picture of him. HAHA.
for the last few days, i've been mesmerized by him
i downloaded tons of his songs. ahaha.
guess what, he's not only good looking
he's smart too! he went like college of dentistry.
the world is so unfair!
one more tmr, one more wednesday
and i'm free till 11th january.
sounds really short especially after the previous 3 months long holiday.
but looking at all the things i have to do during holiday
its rather depressing that i don't have time to rest
but oh wells, i've always been like that anyways.
thank you friends
i don't know what i would do without you people.
i feel better already.
i hate myself when i do this sort of stupid things
which idiot who have been driving for a year for now
will hit down a barrier
i think i'm made to be a trouble maker.
i wonder if anyone knows.
i just need a reassuring hug now, badly.
i loved the show!
i love a good romance any day (:
somehow i like spending time alone at starbucks
i have no idea why
cause i don't usually like to be alone.
its getting rather tiring
the first thing i think of when i wake up is
what i need to study, when i should start studying
when i'm taking a break from my studies i feel guilty
i feel like i should get back to my books asap
when i'm about to sleep
i need to plan what to bring out to study the next day
what i should aim to accomplish
and throughout the entire day
my brain relates everything to the information that i've been squeezing in it
like even things that have no link at all
the things just keep running all over and over again
like some broken tape recorder that keeps skipping
and you cannot hear anything clearly but its creating noise.
i'm wishing i would wake up to 2nd december.
i'm becoming very fidgety now that i feel the pressure
between the exams and the readings that i haven't done
its not a good feeling
but at least i feel the need to push on.
there's one challenge in the 5th episode of survivor samoa
that i might just win
they have like smoothie blend of like things such as jellyfish, octopus, clams... and though some raw. YUMMMMM (:
sometimes these american shows just make the singapore diet so exotic. HAHA.
i have no idea why i detest being at home the entire day
it just makes it seem that i have accomplished nothing
like i'm slacking around
and there's no one to talk to unless you include typing into my computer
i feel lethargic the whole day
and am unable to garner any motivation
i'm just meant for the outdoors.
thinking about all the gymmers coming back together tomorrow
makes me feel very comforted
knowing that our friendship's still going strong. (:
my favorite performance so far.
today is the first day, in a very long time, that i wanted to sleep more
so i set my alarm like for 10 hours after i slept
thinking that i can cover back all the hours i missed for like months.
and then at about 1 o'clock today
i got woken up by a HUGE THUNDERSTORM, celeste's call, 9 message
which i didn't hear the messages but when i got woken up by this huge thunder,
i started messaging
the more i message the more awake i got. ):
i felt stupid for lying in bed wide awake.
so there goes my long sleep.
all these while...