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i almost forgot about this place when i started reading old emails i kept looking at old things i wrote made me really miss this place. this place where i guess i could, partially pour my heart out. i can't believe how fast the years have gone by and so many things have happened good ones and bad ones. the good ones will be remembered and the bad ones will remind me of what to keep guard of. but i think its making me more and more guarded the more things just don't go so smoothly and perhaps it may not be a good thing but definitely i found a way to move on. there were things i wished they would move towards another direction but the fact that they became to what they were today is just another step for me in the process of growing up and i believe they made me alot stronger.
seeing that i have almost 600 posts here in this blog makes me really sad to say this but i think i might have to abandon this blog its so difficult to keep up with so many blogs, twitter and all i think i might have to give up on this space. i enjoy reading back on my older entries laughing at what i once wrote what i once thought. and i will continue coming here once in a blue moon to make sure that they don't delete my blog so that many years down the road i still can access this page and see what i have been through and recall both the good and bad times.
its been 2 months now. glad its all going well and i can't wait to walk further with you.
i'm really someone who cannot cannot become a housewife how the hell do you stay at home all day and not feel bored? today is only day 2 of me staying at home and i'm already like tossing and turning and like scurring around being bored. ): i'm really not the type to stay at home although my cheeks are puffy and swollen and i can barely eat or talk i feel like going out!!
i'm not avoiding it this time right i know the time will come and i'm facing it this time instead of always letting the issue go and the problem will still remain there. i'm all ready! come at me!
today was a life-time experience for me don't think i will ever forget the whole process of going there with a heavy heart then signing papers hearing them tell you all the risks which isn't very pleasant and gets you even more worried then changed into this gown that makes you even colder then they make you wait and wait and finally when its your turn its like the feeling of walking to your own death door you walk into the operating theatre lie on this metal looking bed which made it seem like you were about to be cut up into many pieces then they injected the needle into my vein which was a mild pinch but that's the the worst they make you smell oxygen WHICH I THOUGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET SMELLING but it STINKKKSSSS! and i was about to like choke and cough then i concussed. the next thing i knew i was outside the theatre already and i was crying profusely. either because it was traumatising or relieving or there was this BIG pain on my upper left i just couldn't stop crying for quite awhile. i think i was just outside the theatre for 15 min or so then they pushed me back to the first room i went to. i stayed there with only curtains as separators from this NOISY kid that keeps crying and crying and shouts "i want to go home" SO DO I LA. omg. i looked around and found a clock it says 10 plus blurryly without my specs then i signaled the nurse to call my dad then she was like, yes i will soon. 5 min later i heard her talking on the phone with my dad saying that he can come at 1230 1230?!?! i have no idea why so late because my then i was so bloody awake!! and they told me before the op that i couldn't operate any machine these two days meaning like... WASHING MACHINES. i wasn't even dizzy at all and when my dad came i was so awake already. i wanted to get my butt off the bed and get going. when my dad came like finally after falling in and out of sleep for like 2 hours the nurse was like asking me to wait for my dad to hold me so i could go toilet and stuff i was so NOT dizzy and awake that i just went ahead got changed, went out to find my dad. its been quite a journey in the first half of today if anyone is now scared to do wisdom tooth op don't be because i believe these kind of things are for life why not do it now when it heals faster yea? HAHA.
everytime i thought i was so sick of the discipline just so tired from all that it requires and i thought my passion died but everytime i step foot onto the stage the fire sort of renews in my heart. i love dancing. will i continue dancing? will i never stop?
i miss the ambitious part of me kind of lost it along the way i remembered how much i put my heart and soul into one goal and when i could attain that goal it was such a good feeling that kind of feeling cannot be fully explained in words its the kind where you feel so proud of yourself and overjoyed and excited that it can make you just tear. if i closed my eyes now i recall the scenes at the competition arena on the finals and on the stage after the concert those two moments still seem so fresh. its always those times when i thought our goals will be so difficult to reach and yet we did, that makes me so emotional. its that passion and determination that i have lost over the years i want to find it back. its happening to my dance passion now i start to dread the discipline it requires but whenever i do dance and when there's an audience my passion renews but whether strong enough for me to take action in the future is the question. will i get to continue something i so love in the future is dependent on this thing i call passion and how much it burns.
for all my dearest friends who are feeling the blues these days please hold on. because i know how you feel and i'm holding on.
don't everyone like surprises? whether it really came as a surprise or not in knowing that someone wanted to give you a surprise it gives such a heartwarming feeling it shows how much that someone wants to make you happy and that someone can find joy in yours.
i suddenly chance upon a video my project group made in jc and it was quite funny and very memorable watching it. then i started looking at old videos that i made and it made me miss the old times in jc so much. i remembered all that hard work all those sweat and tears its amazing how many things we can go through in our lives. i missed the times we laughed at our own jokes where we could just think of nothing else but gym where our lives practically revolved around it and yet we didn't get tired of it. i missed the times when we had such a strong goal together we knew what we were striving for and we were working hard together towards that and when we achieved it it was so emotional not in the bad sense, but it was such a fufilling experience and to have such friends with me on this journey makes it even better. not that the things i have now are not fulfilling but those days really brought the best out of me and even though its been 5 years now it is still fresh in my mind like it was only yesterday. there were things i have left behind but this is one thing that i'll bring with me for the rest of my life and i mean it.
however much i hate school
however much i hate readings everytime i finish an assignment, no matter the scale it feels so good and there's just no other way to describe it. though i hate school i don't really want it to end either. i'm just this fickle-minded creature who just wants to bump around but i know its impossible so get your butt off your comfort zone and get working michele!
there's so much on my mind but no one to turn to really no one. i can't tell you because i don't want to add anything more to your stress levels i feel like i can't tell my friends i just can't open my mouth to say it. i feel like i'm stuck in this corner that no one knows i'm hiding in because i duplicate one part of me and put it in the world out there that no one realises that a part of me is missing.
yesterday i was so damn frustrated with this project i almost cried, almost. its so frustrating because everytime i think of something i imagine my tutor totally crashing my idea. but of course that's not all lately. there were good moments (: just a few days ago went to brussel sprouts. mussel, crepe and fruit beers. gifts, hugs and love. it feels like its been so long but when i think about it its only been a month! the amazing qualities of time. found chat logs between us yesterday and it dates back to sept2006 can't believe i don't have a single memory of those conversations we had but its nice to know now that we did (: i'm wondering what you thought of me then as what kind of relationship you thought was possible then and that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, everything was fated to be.
You think I'm pretty Without any make-up on You think I'm funny When I tell the puch line wrong I know you get me So I'll let my walls come down, down Before you met me I was a wreck But things were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my valentine, valentine Let's go all the way tonight No regrets, just love We can dance until we die You and I We'll be young forever You make me Feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream The way you turn me on I can't sleep Let's runaway And don't ever look back Don't ever look back My heart stops When you look at me Just one touch Now baby I believe This is real So take a chance And don't ever look back Don't ever look back.
its been so long since i've even read this blog that i forgot that to update it i'm supposed to go blogger.com and not blogspot.com!! i'm considering abandoning this and moving to tumblr since its the more popular choice these days. but somehow this blog gives me so much memories. its been 2006 since i posted things here and to see how much i have grown since 2006 is amazing... its not about reading the past and knowing the past its about knowing what you thought about then, in the past. sometimes childish, sometimes reflecting what i have now. and they all make up what i am today. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my last post was on 14th may this year though its been only 4 months ago i feel like so many things have happened since then. being the vacation period, i went to so many places seen so many things, know so many new people and know one new person that i'm never going to forget. this person changed my perspectives there was something i didn't believe in anymore but he made me believe in it all over again. for someone to change my determined perspectives means breaking down the walls that i have built for years and allowing both the wonderful and the hurt to come in but i have realised that without letting the hurt to enter i can never get out of the previous place i was stuck in. and i'm glad i realised that now.
its been a long time since i ever posted anything here i just feel that ts become abit childish and unnecessary to "report" my life over here. it becomes a feeling that i'm always being checked and not a space to feel relieved and to speak honestly. i start to wonder what blogs are for in the end i mean personal blogs that say daily happenings and not blogshops. i guess its one way someone could find out what's happening to you but if that someone was your friend it would be nicer if he/she could give you a call instead or chat over msn rather then find out and gossip about you at places where you can't hear. i don't know. i guess people change, mentalities along with it.
城市裡 小星星 稀疏的 亮晶晶 太多光 吃掉他們的身影 就像我 愛上你 隱沒在 燈海裡 你眼中 只看繁華的夜景 我的愛藏在你的 背影裡 像渺小卻堅定的 恆星 天黑的時候 我遠遠陪著你 再小的閃爍 也努力放光明 當有天我在夜空裡面 偶爾被發現 希望我眨眼 能感動你視線 想把小星星 排成愛的圖形 為你的天空 點綴一些驚奇 即使像流星一閃而過 寂寞也情願 不求你看見 只想為你發光永遠＊ 雨天裡 小星星 孤單的 濕淋淋 你躲在 有人陪伴的傘底 就像我 總被你 遺忘在 晴空裡 月光下 才有機會想念你 i don't want to go unnoticed by you i want to walk by you and not behind you only watching the shadows as you walk by.
i've been offended by you in many ways and maybe you don't give a shit about this friendship but i did and i thought that you did too but maybe i was wrong maybe tonight is a bad night maybe tonight it was hot stuffy and sleepy but still, i'm glad i got off i'm glad i got off from your sincere complaints i'm glad i got off from my burden that i have to be grateful to you. i know what it feels like especially when you personally is very tired and had a long day yourself but then, if unwilling, i'd rather you be like someone else and not offer in the first place instead of complaining the moment we got on and it gets worse and worse. i'm sorry, but i couldn't take it tonight whether tonight or in the future, you don't have to offer anymore. i think that way, it will be better for you and for me. you can fucking stop being so authoritative towards us as well or else i can see this friendship dwindling after 4 years and maybe you don't give a shit and if you can't even bother to give a shit, why should i.
its been about a month since the year has started only about 3 weeks since school has started and i feel the pressure already concert is about 5 weeks away and as every practice pass by i feel like there's no more space to breathe. with all these filling my thoughts every single day i count down to those holidays that seem so near yet so far. with all the 21st birthdays recently i'm starting to think of my own which, luckily is still almost a year away. i have some general ideas but still don't know whether to have a theme or not after all the themed birthdays that everyone goes to in this year maybe having a themeless birthday would be a better idea. oh wells. i still have time. we'll see (:
holidays is coming to an end and as always it feels like it went by in a few seconds just like that not really excited about school this upcoming semester and there's alot of things for me to finish up things that i haven't even started on. ): many things has happened in this holidays camp, birthday, phuket, nye... and as a new year wish... i wish some things will continue as we grow wish that people won't drift apart as we go onto different stages of life because however annoying they are i know (i hope) they are friends i can trust.
sometimes i feel like i have so many things to say but no one to say to no one appropriate to say to sometimes i even think blogging is no longer a way out people are missing, leaving, gone who can i tell?
there's so many thoughts going through my head now at the same time there's so many things i want to say but don't know where to begin. first, i'm so glad that camp is finally over and that it was a success. although there were hiccups here and there i felt that it was deserving of a celebration its really heartwarming when you try to pass on a tradition in synergy that we all treasure together. and most important, i had loads of fun and laughter be it weivien's haha game, ethelyn recognisable-anywhere high pitch laughter or jasmine's scrunched up nose laughter i enjoyed it. though its good that its over, i will also miss those times. for the last 4 days i felt so out of this world there was no sense of time or day only with a sense of our muscles and aches as we walked between the hall and the dance studios rushing in the morning when breakfast arrived rushing till late for whatever hits us the next day its as if all we could and needed to think of was about the camp as if the usual life was thrown out the window for 4 days knowing that for the last 5 days my life consisted of company every minute it makes my current life, being alone at home so dull and quiet. and suddenly the life that i had for the last 20 years seem unusual. thinking about the next 2 weeks its pretty exciting and i can't wait to get started after regaining my pace after a good sleep. now my contact lens are dry i'm sandy and dirty and oily and both physically and mentally tired i'll come back soon.
 sorry i couldn't help it but post a picture of him. HAHA. for the last few days, i've been mesmerized by him i downloaded tons of his songs. ahaha. guess what, he's not only good looking he's smart too! he went like college of dentistry. the world is so unfair! HAHA.
almost there! one more tmr, one more wednesday and i'm free till 11th january. sounds really short especially after the previous 3 months long holiday. but looking at all the things i have to do during holiday its rather depressing that i don't have time to rest but oh wells, i've always been like that anyways.
thank you friends i don't know what i would do without you people. i feel better already.
i hate myself when i do this sort of stupid things which idiot who have been driving for a year for now will hit down a barrier i think i'm made to be a trouble maker. i wonder if anyone knows. i just need a reassuring hug now, badly.
i loved the show! i love a good romance any day (:
somehow i like spending time alone at starbucks i have no idea why cause i don't usually like to be alone.
its getting rather tiring the first thing i think of when i wake up is what i need to study, when i should start studying when i'm taking a break from my studies i feel guilty i feel like i should get back to my books asap when i'm about to sleep i need to plan what to bring out to study the next day what i should aim to accomplish and throughout the entire day my brain relates everything to the information that i've been squeezing in it like even things that have no link at all the things just keep running all over and over again like some broken tape recorder that keeps skipping and you cannot hear anything clearly but its creating noise. and everyday i'm wishing i would wake up to 2nd december.
i'm becoming very fidgety now that i feel the pressure between the exams and the readings that i haven't done its not a good feeling but at least i feel the need to push on.
there's one challenge in the 5th episode of survivor samoa that i might just win they have like smoothie blend of like things such as jellyfish, octopus, clams... and though some raw. YUMMMMM (: sometimes these american shows just make the singapore diet so exotic. HAHA.
i have no idea why i detest being at home the entire day it just makes it seem that i have accomplished nothing like i'm slacking around and there's no one to talk to unless you include typing into my computer i feel lethargic the whole day and am unable to garner any motivation i'm just meant for the outdoors.
thinking about all the gymmers coming back together tomorrow makes me feel very comforted knowing that our friendship's still going strong. (:
my favorite performance so far. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsAMrAXaEAk
today is the first day, in a very long time, that i wanted to sleep more so i set my alarm like for 10 hours after i slept thinking that i can cover back all the hours i missed for like months. and then at about 1 o'clock today i got woken up by a HUGE THUNDERSTORM, celeste's call, 9 message which i didn't hear the messages but when i got woken up by this huge thunder, i started messaging the more i message the more awake i got. ): i felt stupid for lying in bed wide awake. so there goes my long sleep.
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author Michele all these while...
February 2011 |