 |
|
|
its been 2 months now. glad its all going well and i can't wait to walk further with you.
i'm really someone who cannot cannot become a housewife how the hell do you stay at home all day and not feel bored? today is only day 2 of me staying at home and i'm already like tossing and turning and like scurring around being bored. ): i'm really not the type to stay at home although my cheeks are puffy and swollen and i can barely eat or talk i feel like going out!!
i'm not avoiding it this time right i know the time will come and i'm facing it this time instead of always letting the issue go and the problem will still remain there. i'm all ready! come at me!
today was a life-time experience for me don't think i will ever forget the whole process of going there with a heavy heart then signing papers hearing them tell you all the risks which isn't very pleasant and gets you even more worried then changed into this gown that makes you even colder then they make you wait and wait and finally when its your turn its like the feeling of walking to your own death door you walk into the operating theatre lie on this metal looking bed which made it seem like you were about to be cut up into many pieces then they injected the needle into my vein which was a mild pinch but that's the the worst they make you smell oxygen WHICH I THOUGHT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET SMELLING but it STINKKKSSSS! and i was about to like choke and cough then i concussed. the next thing i knew i was outside the theatre already and i was crying profusely. either because it was traumatising or relieving or there was this BIG pain on my upper left i just couldn't stop crying for quite awhile. i think i was just outside the theatre for 15 min or so then they pushed me back to the first room i went to. i stayed there with only curtains as separators from this NOISY kid that keeps crying and crying and shouts "i want to go home" SO DO I LA. omg. i looked around and found a clock it says 10 plus blurryly without my specs then i signaled the nurse to call my dad then she was like, yes i will soon. 5 min later i heard her talking on the phone with my dad saying that he can come at 1230 1230?!?! i have no idea why so late because my then i was so bloody awake!! and they told me before the op that i couldn't operate any machine these two days meaning like... WASHING MACHINES. i wasn't even dizzy at all and when my dad came i was so awake already. i wanted to get my butt off the bed and get going. when my dad came like finally after falling in and out of sleep for like 2 hours the nurse was like asking me to wait for my dad to hold me so i could go toilet and stuff i was so NOT dizzy and awake that i just went ahead got changed, went out to find my dad. its been quite a journey in the first half of today if anyone is now scared to do wisdom tooth op don't be because i believe these kind of things are for life why not do it now when it heals faster yea? HAHA.
everytime i thought i was so sick of the discipline just so tired from all that it requires and i thought my passion died but everytime i step foot onto the stage the fire sort of renews in my heart. i love dancing. will i continue dancing? will i never stop?
i miss the ambitious part of me kind of lost it along the way i remembered how much i put my heart and soul into one goal and when i could attain that goal it was such a good feeling that kind of feeling cannot be fully explained in words its the kind where you feel so proud of yourself and overjoyed and excited that it can make you just tear. if i closed my eyes now i recall the scenes at the competition arena on the finals and on the stage after the concert those two moments still seem so fresh. its always those times when i thought our goals will be so difficult to reach and yet we did, that makes me so emotional. its that passion and determination that i have lost over the years i want to find it back. its happening to my dance passion now i start to dread the discipline it requires but whenever i do dance and when there's an audience my passion renews but whether strong enough for me to take action in the future is the question. will i get to continue something i so love in the future is dependent on this thing i call passion and how much it burns.
for all my dearest friends who are feeling the blues these days please hold on. because i know how you feel and i'm holding on.
don't everyone like surprises? whether it really came as a surprise or not in knowing that someone wanted to give you a surprise it gives such a heartwarming feeling it shows how much that someone wants to make you happy and that someone can find joy in yours.
i suddenly chance upon a video my project group made in jc and it was quite funny and very memorable watching it. then i started looking at old videos that i made and it made me miss the old times in jc so much. i remembered all that hard work all those sweat and tears its amazing how many things we can go through in our lives. i missed the times we laughed at our own jokes where we could just think of nothing else but gym where our lives practically revolved around it and yet we didn't get tired of it. i missed the times when we had such a strong goal together we knew what we were striving for and we were working hard together towards that and when we achieved it it was so emotional not in the bad sense, but it was such a fufilling experience and to have such friends with me on this journey makes it even better. not that the things i have now are not fulfilling but those days really brought the best out of me and even though its been 5 years now it is still fresh in my mind like it was only yesterday. there were things i have left behind but this is one thing that i'll bring with me for the rest of my life and i mean it.
however much i hate school
however much i hate readings everytime i finish an assignment, no matter the scale it feels so good and there's just no other way to describe it. though i hate school i don't really want it to end either. i'm just this fickle-minded creature who just wants to bump around but i know its impossible so get your butt off your comfort zone and get working michele!
there's so much on my mind but no one to turn to really no one. i can't tell you because i don't want to add anything more to your stress levels i feel like i can't tell my friends i just can't open my mouth to say it. i feel like i'm stuck in this corner that no one knows i'm hiding in because i duplicate one part of me and put it in the world out there that no one realises that a part of me is missing.
yesterday i was so damn frustrated with this project i almost cried, almost. its so frustrating because everytime i think of something i imagine my tutor totally crashing my idea. but of course that's not all lately. there were good moments (: just a few days ago went to brussel sprouts. mussel, crepe and fruit beers. gifts, hugs and love. it feels like its been so long but when i think about it its only been a month! the amazing qualities of time. found chat logs between us yesterday and it dates back to sept2006 can't believe i don't have a single memory of those conversations we had but its nice to know now that we did (: i'm wondering what you thought of me then as what kind of relationship you thought was possible then and that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, everything was fated to be.
|
author Michele all these while...
February 2011 |